Feeling cold

I’m not sure how I feel.  I feel cold, but then it’s cold out and I’ve just been playing in the park for an hour.  I don’t want to watch TV, that’s usually a sign that I’m not ok.  I have a creepy crawly feeling over my shoulders and I can’t get warm.  Yeah, if that’s not a negative feeling, it should be.  I felt nothing when I saw him.  If you’d asked me whether I would expect to feel something if I saw him, I definitely would have said yes.  I would have said that I would freeze, scream, shout, run away, but I did none of those things.  I just carried on holding little man’s leg so he wouldn’t fall off Daddy’s shoulders.  I just carried on walking.  I said no when my partner offered to go and ‘do him’.  Then I walked calmly home, not really saying anything.  Now I’m home I feel cold and a bit sick.  I don’t fancy coffee, and I always fancy coffee.  I don’t want the cat on my lap.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  I don’t want to do any work.  I’m wondering if my reaction was ok, whether it was right.  I’m trying to think about what I ‘should’ have done and why I didn’t do it.  But this is what he does, this is letting him still have the power to make me doubt my own senses and instincts.  He doesn’t deserve that power.  I’m going to take it away from him by going and making a cup of coffee and playing with my family, leaving this ill feeling in this post.  Starting to feel warmer now.

© Catastraspie, 2011.

Feeling cold

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