It never hurts any less, it just gets longer ago

It’s two years today since my second pregnancy loss. It’s two years today since the worst day of my life. It’s two years today since I went for the scan that changed everything. It’s two years today since I found out you’d gone.

I knew something was wrong when there was just black on the scan. I knew something was wrong when he turned off the screen. I knew something was wrong when he spent ages probing me. I knew something was wrong when he didn’t say anything. I knew something was wrong when he asked me to go to the loo. I knew something was wrong when he went to get a colleague. I knew something was wrong when his colleague nodded. I knew something was wrong when he said, “I don’t know how to tell you this…”

I remember thinking he looked like Robbie Coltrane. I remember thinking about the poor women sat in the waiting room. I remember thinking my two year old had never seen me screaming. I remember feeling stupid for not knowing sooner.

It’s funny what you notice when the world stops. It’s funny what you remember when your body goes cold. It’s funny what you think when your heart breaks. It’s funny how you can miss someone you’ve never met.

I want you to know you have a named decoration on our Christmas tree. I want you to know you are remembered every day. I want you to know you will be spoken about always. I want you to know you are one of my four children. I want you to know you are part of our family forever. Even though you are gone.